It's funny how some people, most of them guys, are so protective over things they associate with their manhood. The bigger, more chromed, or more masculine the item is the more they treat it like a body part. It's just another sad example of when a man has a really, really tiny appendage and tries to substitute with a high caliber strap-on. So if you see a guy packing a Blitzer, you know that it's the only big gun he owns. Also, he probably doesn't know how to use it.
Everyone climbed down the ladder and fanned out while Gere pouted and waded in to find his BLA penis. If someone didn't put him out of his misery soon, I was going to have to be a humanitarian and do it a little less mercifully.
"You're SURE you didn't see where it fell?" he asked, sounding all weepy and sensitive. It was a real emotional moment.
His eyes had teared up and grown puffy around the edges, making it look like he was actually upset. Maybe if he lost a few other overpriced pieces of phallic equipment, he might realize that no, he doesn't have a dick, no he never will, and no, surgery can never help him. That way he could get even more in touch with his feminine side. Right now, he was doing a great job of channeling the inner child and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. It's a sad sight to see a grown man cry.
Okay, I can't say that without laughing. No it isn't!
"Nope, didn't see a thing," I said. Somehow, I managed to keep the laughter out of my voice, but looking concerned would have been too much so I turned my back to him. My lip was already bleeding from the effort and my mouth was filled with the taste of copper and salt. Anyone dumb enough to climb down a slick ladder with a cocked pistol deserves what happens. The moron's lucky he didn't shoot himself. On second thought, I should have taken care of that too. Oh well, hindsight is 20-20.
"It's GOT to be here somewhere!" he said as he kicked at the water. The big crybaby got something hooked on his boot and nearly fell on its face. Between sobs, he managed to whimper another "Where did it fall?"
"Told you I didn't see anything. Sorry big guy."
Big guy. HAH! Not without his BLA custom 12.7 mm chrome plated recoil baffled penis! I had to bite my lip harder to keep from laughing my ass off while Mr. Macho cried like a baby and trolled for his 900cr strap on. Fenis caught my expression and gave me a look that said he thought I wasn't being entirely truthful. I wonder what gave him that idea?
"You're bleeding. You might want to do something about that," Fenis said.
"Oh yeah, thanks,"
Dead give away, there I guess. Shrugging, I admired the rest of the scenery and shook my head when Sara the patron saint of latex and lubricants took point and posed. I'm sure that the rats and roaches down here were really impressed. Yes guys, this is what your next unhealthy, disease-ridden meal looks like. Get a good look at the girl you can all bring home to Mommy.
"So this is the sewer under the Rec center, huh Sara? Looks just like the last four."
"Emily, these places are never pleasant."
"No shit," Mitchell said. "I'm tired of these damn bug hunts. Hey Cash, can't we get a Silver or White next time? Something that doesn't involve rats and muck?"
When Mitchell spoke up instead of me, I couldn't help but smile at him. Like I said, I don't care for men, but if I did, I'd rock his world seventeen ways from Sunday. As it is, he's just a pretty thing to look at when I'm bored. Of course, pretty things tend to fall down and get broken so I never get attached to any.
There was a rumble and hiss as Cash adjusted his mike, probably because he was striving for the right amount of panache in the existing light on the street above us. I can see him practicing all those basic gestures we take for granted in the privacy of his own home in front of a full length mirror. You know - important "suit" things like opening a briefcase, straightening a tie, or opening an oyster in a way that makes lesser mortals gasp and swoon. He probably even poses for man things like scratching himself or choking his monkey too, that is when he can find it. The foreplay with the Uberslut probably looks like a cross between the posers on a runway at a New Paris fashion show and a couple wraiths on Polo posturing for territory. God, I hate the both of them with a passion. They're absolutely pathetic.
"Don't worry Mitch, I've got a special surprise for one of you and this is the last sewer expedition my favorite squad is going on for a long time!" Cash said.
"Gee, I'm all aflutter," I mumbled.
He sounds just like one of those announcers on Wheel of Misfortune where the host says "Ooooooo, I'm sorry Rick, but you chose Door # 4 and that means you get a fun-filled five day vacation in a padded cell with Badass the Chagrin who's currently whacked out of his skull on PI and looking for love in all the strong places! But you don't go away empty handed! Here's a copy of the home game, a lifetime supply of feelbad sandpaper condoms, and a fifty gallon drum of jelly to make your odyssey into self-discovery a little easier. Thanks for playing and enjoy!" I don't want to think about what the surprise is, but you can be sure someone is going to get screwed over. It better not be me, or someone is going to pay big.
Everyone started talking at once, so I pulled my earpiece out and started walking. They'd remember that we had a job to do sooner or later and I didn't want to listen.
"I can't find it! Will someone PLEASE help me find my gun!"
"What did I just step in? Oh, tell me that I did NOT just step in THAT!" "Will someone please help Gere so he'll shut up. He's giving me a fucking headache."
"Now squad, we've got a time table to follow. I need you to-"
"I CALL POINT!"Fenis caught up to me as Clipper bounded past, happily splashing into the point position along the prescribed path. When I saw the reflections of lamps in the ankle deep water, I knew that the rest were on their way. I'm glad since I feel so much safer around big strong guys with big guns, especially since I'm such a fragile little woman who can't take care of herself. Ouch, I bit my lip again - either gotta stop thinking things like that or give up and laugh out loud constantly like when my meds wore off. If I keep talking to myself, someone is going to wonder if I'm nuts.
The current of brown was a little slower here as it churned past me like moldy syrup and I saw a vaguely pistol shaped lump in front of me. I accidentally kicked it into a storm overflow drain where it clunked and rattled away into the bowels of oblivion where nobody but the rats could find it. I really hope it wasn't that custom pistol Gere had dropped since I'd feel positively awful if it was.
"You're still bleeding. Staunch it," Fenis said and I nodded, pulling a sani wipe from my sleeve pocket and dabbing at the cut. Definitely should stop repressing my feelings or the cost of kickstart and stitches is going to break me.
Sara showed off her animal-like grace by navigate the slippery drop without breaking her narration on "how to be a tough Op" to camera boy. The kid probably thought he was in for the best sex of his life or something just because he had a camera on live feed. That might be something new for her. On second thought, probably not. I think I saw her on the Alien Sex Channel the other night in a skit with a Vevephron, a nun, and a TV repairman. Maybe not.
I swept the dribble out of my hair and ducked my head as I crossed under a broken pipe while I tried to keep up with my mind. The curiosity was eating at me because I didn't know what kind of surprise Cash was planning, but in a funny sort of way. You see, I love and hate surprises for some rather weird, personal reasons. It's one of those "approach-avoidance" kinda things. It's sort of like when you dump a starving rat into a maze to get food then shock the bejesus out of the little beady-eyed bastard with a couple megazillion volts when he gets there. If he lives, he starts to dread running up to get chow, but he's also hungry as hell and can't help himself. The byproduct of it is that he gets smart, figures out how to get out of the cage one night really late, and chews through the wiring in your apartment so it catches fire and you get barbequed in your sleep. Come to think of it, we were running in a maze right now but there was something missing. Hmm.
"This is a weird," Mitchell started. "There aren't any rats down here."
He was right. After we climbed down the slope and were around the corner, the only life besides the human rodents were roaches. There weren't even any bodies of rats, so things were definitely drifting into the twilight zone.
"Found something," Clipper said and gingerly reached down into the brown slop around his knees. The Stormer lifted what looked like a mangled pipe, but it either too heavy for him or stuck and he needed both hands.
"Here," it said and held out its rifle towards me for safekeeping. I grinned ear from ear, but Fenis cut me off and took it from him while tossing me a dirty look. I shrugged and looked around innocently. Since there was no way I could "accidentally" lose a bigass rifle like that without anyone seeing, he was just being unrealistic and overreacting. It wasn't like I made the sexist pig drop his pistol.
The Stormer worked at pulling the pipe free and I saw it was something entirely different. It had custom chrome handles and some kind of scratched label. With a heave, Clipper wrenched it upward and it came out of the water with something attached.
"Oh God-" Sara started.
That's probably her #1 favorite line, closely followed by "Don't Stop!" and "My God, that's the biggest one I've ever seen!". You'd think she'd say cornball like a pro by now, but this one caught my attention. It sounded genuine as opposed to her standard porn movie acting deliveries and I had to look to make sure. Yep, that's what true disgust looks like on an amateur porn queen's face. Gee, this BPN had so many special moments that I wish I had brought a camera so I could reminisce when I needed to feel warm and fuzzy.
I turned back and saw that Clipper had tossed the mess into the shallows and the item he had been wresting was a custom Chainaxe with "Undertow" airbrushed on it. It had been buried in a hunk of meat that might have been the chest of a bull Carrien, but the corpse was too mangled and rotted to tell for sure. Fenis was still giving me an irritated look and I just giggled.
Cash had said that this guy Undertow (that I'd never heard of) went down here this morning and vanished, but the Carrien which had this Contract Killer's Chainaxe buried in it had been here for at least a week judging from the decomposition. Something was definitely fishy but I decided to keep it to myself. I couldn't wait to see what the smarmy little bastard was up too.
Like I said, I love surprises.
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