As it's so quiet excuse me whilst I just slip this in gently
Martin
"...a gun, a big fucking gun. I want a big fucking gun."
"Then you're a clever man because you've come to exactly the right place. Yes sir, here at McMunchkins's we provide all that's chillin' in the world of killin'. We stock the most sublime weapons of destruction known to man, and let's face it we know quite a few, and our prices are low. Remember, we don't make a killing - so you can. I'm Dick, I'll be your guide around McMunchkin's Military Munitions, remember if you want a weapon with "mmm" appeal choose McMunchkins."
"Great, it's Francis, Aggressor. I've been saving for a few Blueprints now and .."
"You've got credit burning a hole in your account and you're itching to upgrade."
"Yeah well the 603s okay but.."
"It's a hairdryer, am I right or am I right? It's too ubiquitous, every one has one, you get one free in your cereals of a morning, am I right or am I right? How are you going to get airtime with that? It will never compete against the flashy killware touted by the best of the best, you need something that will catch the eye of Third Eye, am I right or am I right? You need something that says I'M AGGRESSOR LOOK AT ME! BUT DON'T LOOK AT ME THE WRONG WAY OR YOU'RE DEAD! Something that has the cameras humming, the Stormers drooling, the Frothers frothing and the ladies swooning at the size of your weapon, am I right or am I right?"
"Ha! Well, yeah, you're right."
"Trust me Francis, I've been in the business a lifetime, in fact, hell if truth be told I've been in the business a couple of lifetimes. Just put your trust in me and I'll show you tools of destruction unparalleled in their beauty, elegance and shear stopping power. Members from all the top name squads shop here; Slap Happy, User Friendly, Marshmallow, Hard Bodies, Fluffybunikins, Obscure Reference, Infinite Jest."
"Big names"
"Yes sir, the biggest. Am I right or am I right? Now may I ask your speciality Francis, with an OD of Aggressor I'm guessing it's not Medical."
"Ha, no Dick, I'm Death Squad, first in, last out. The business end."
"And you have a FEN 603, no no no, that just won't do, that is just wrong. The universe just really shouldn't accept that. As you said Francis you need a big gun, a big fucking gun."
"Yeah I know, it's just that the PP8 was expensive."
"Yeah but it's sensible Francis, the biggest gun in the world won't help if you're full of holes, and it did it's job, it kept you alive whilst you could earn some more funds. And it needs a little reward for that, it needs paring with a gun worthy of it, am I right or am I right?"
"Yeah, you're right. I was thinking an assault/support rifle with maybe a Blitzer as a side arm."
"Francis, Francis, a side arm? You don't need a side arm, you're AGGRESSOR. You don't use side arms. You shoot them with a big fuck-off gun. If they're too close you hit them with a big fuck-off gun. In fact several of the weapons I'll show you are specially designed for improved impact trauma. Side arm? No that's just not you Francis."
"Umm, Okay. But it's just that all the ops with the big sponsored seem to be seen with a Blitzer. Like Xavier, Pestilence, Dwarfstar, Mr Wibble, Charles Dexter Ward, Virus, Son-of-a-Bitch..."
"Well aren't we the fanboy? Well I can see you thinking that it's some kind of status symbol Francis, but really it's just clever marketing. Now I'm not going to tell you the Blitzer is no good, I could though, I could quote feet per second and optimised recoil parameters and comparative barrel cooling quotients but that would be unprofessional of me. All I'll say is that if you want to look like a pretty boy Media or Financier then I'll take you out into the street and I'll direct you to any number of snooty high-priced franchise holders who will snatch you in sell you a Blitzer and spit you out again. But think on this Francis, you're complaint about the 603 was that everyone had one, but it seems to me like now you want a gun that everyone on the news has. Doesn't sound like there's much individuality in that? Am I right or am I right?"
"Well, I suppose so."
"Trust me Francis. Here at McMunchkins we stock a large range of weaponry from the smaller arms companies, the subsidiaries, the design houses. Individual pieces with a limited manufacturing run, specialist pieces. Guns that have had a lot of time put into them to make them different from the usual pieces that Operatives who follow the trends tend to own. We're talking Daemon Arms, Hammer of Io, AIAIO. Don't get me wrong, if you're one for the logos we stock the major names too but we sell the pieces that don't show up in most general arms stores. These works of the armourers art will drop a Carrien at forty paces, and you know I mean a greater Carrien here, because a normal Carrien won't be dropped, no sir they'd be liquidated. Hell if I were facing an escaped WarCriminal this is the weaponry I'd want to be packing. Some of it is in testing or on limited release for evaluation. Some of it is awaiting a decision from the Department of War as to whether it should be classified as WWF, War-World-Friendly. And I have to say that in my opinion some of it is borderline."
"You stock War World weapons?"
"Of course, Warmongers, Deathcannons, Thunderdogs, Screaming Eagles, Eviscerators, Gehenna Pukers, Thermal Detonators, Disrupters, Photon Torpedoes, Screaming Eagles, Boneshreaders, Limbcutters, Spleeners, there's even one called the Aggressor. Did you know that?"
"Yeah, there was a lot of paperwork when I registered."
"There's always paperwork, am I right or am I right? Most of these ain't cleared for use on Mort without a shit load of paperwork but that doesn't stop you buying them. You, as an Operatives are allowed to own these weapons, that's something that unfortunately not many starting Operatives know, you can buy these, you can take them home, you just can't fire them. I mean there's all that "sufficient security" and "the implications of accidental discharge" stuff but hey! that's just paperwork right? Now, Francis, Aggressor, are we going to do business or not?"
"Yes sir, we sure are."
"Then step this way Francis, and meet the second best friend you're ever have."
Comments / questions to Martin Wheeler