What time of year is it? Everyone knows!
On every channel you’ll see Cokemas shows!
The stores are all glittering with Cokemas displays,
The Cokemas lights shine in the cheeriest ways!
Kiddies all want presents heaped into towers,
They’ll be so upset if you don’t work the hours!
So head off for work- there’s no time to pause,
If you want to be blessed by the great Cola Clause!
Taken from ‘Hooray for Cokemas!’ written in 754 SD, and still popular today!
Cokemas! The happiest shiniest consumer festival in the whole SLA calendar! A weekend of celebrations to allow you, the workers, a chance to appreciate everything that’s wholesome and good about Progress, the dream that you’ve all helped to build! This pamphlet is designed to help all of you newest additions to the World of Progress appreciate the jolliest time of year along with the rest of us! You probably have a few questions:
What is Cokemas?
Cokemas is an annual festival celebrated across the whole World of Progress, and it’s as sweet as a chilled bottle of delicious Okay Cola! It occurs over 3 days, usually a weekend, of which you are guaranteed at least one day off work. [2] This generous holiday is known as a Cokemas Day. Your employer will inform you of the date of your Cokemas Day. Cokemas is made so special by that most wonderful of contractual articles- the Cola Clause!
What is the Cola Clause?
The Cola Clause is tucked away in your Contract of Employment to ensure that you have the best Cokemas ever! It’s a little legal paragraph that funnels all of your overtime and performance awards for the preceding payroll period [3] into your own personal Cokebonus account. Kind of like finding one last ice-cold can of Okay Cola in the fridge when you thought that you’d run out! You receive your Cokebonus on your designated Cokemas day.
How Should I Celebrate Cokemas?
Traditionally employees celebrate Cokemas by heading to the nearest retail centre with their family and friends. Once you’re there, spend, spend, spend! Your Cokebonus will allow you to buy more of the luxuries you and your children have been fantasising about all year, and that’s not all! As well as the usual magnificent choice of products you’ll find a whole new range of seasonal items to catch your attention- most of your favourite brands will produce Cokemas limited editions! Of course, that’s not the only way to spend Cokemas. Some people take Cokemas breaks [4] to pamper themselves. Others head Uptown for a day for an exclusive restaurant meal. However you chose to spend Cokemas, though, make sure you spend it all! It’s unlucky to have any of your Cokebonus left at the end of the day! One thing’s for sure, though. At the end of a hard day’s consuming, you can kick back and relax with a cool refreshing glass of Okay Cola, and enjoy some wonderful Cokemas-specials on the vid, both new and old!
Where Does Cokemas Come From?
Cokemas is the magical invention of the Okay Cola Wizards, who work at the Okay Cola Corporation, a wholly owned subsidiary of SLA Industries. It all started back in 87 SD, when the Okay Cola Corporation was attempting to gain a foothold in the carbonated soft drink market of Mort. In order to achieve targeted market saturation, Okay Cola needed to push their production capacity, and consequently their employees, to the very limit. To achieve this the Wizards in Human Resources restructured the overtime-incentive scheme to encourage productivity. Today we know their amendment as the Cola Clause! (Incidentally, this is the origin of the phrase “It’s all Cola!” meaning something is very good.)
The next step in the evolution of Cokemas came in 156 SD, when Okay Cola found themselves sustaining heavy losses competing against their largest rival in the carbonated soft drinks market, Prep-Z. With fourth quarter figures projecting possible insolvency, drastic action needed to be taken. A number of initiatives were started, notably the introduction of a new marketing campaign for the Sector housing most of Okay Cola’s employees, focusing on the Cola Clause. The Okay Cola marketing Wizards saw the happiness and energy exhibited by their workers when they received their Cola Clause pay out, and they just had to tap into it. To do this, they synchronised all of the Cola Clause pay outs to take place over one weekend, and hosted numerous parties and celebrations at the company’s expense, with free Okay Cola for all. The celebrations were so successful (There was a 2.7% increase in profit from the Sector for that month), the Wizards knew they were on to a good thing. The event became an annual celebration, and was officially named Cokemas shortly after.
In 165 SD the Okay Cola Corporation created a sub company called the Okay Cola Wizards, specifically to oversee the administration, implementation and future development of Cokemas. In 182 SD the Okay Cola Wizards secured their first contract with an outside company, Functional Smoking Products, to increase their productivity with the same gimmick. More contracts followed, and by 245 SD fully 13% of the workforce on Mort were looking forward to a Cokebonus each year.
In 247 SD, noting the positive impact Cokemas was having on the economy of Mort as a whole, Head Office subcontracted Okay Cola Wizards to implement Cokemas across the whole company. The rest, as they say, is history.
Unless you want to see your children looking awful blue
The Okay Cola Wizards have a neat idea for you!
The only way you’ll guarantee you’ll get what you are due
Is check you’re working harder than the person next to you!
You don’t need lunch or break time, you can easily work through!
So if you work real hard you’ll spend a well-earned Cokemas too!
Taken from ‘Best Cokemas Jingles of 880 SD Vol. IV’ * * * * * * *
[1] Copyright Dept. of Enquiries, 902 SD. ‘Cokemas’, ‘Cola Clause’, ‘Cokebonus’, Okay Cola’, ‘Okay Cola Wizards’ and ‘Spend yourself a well-earned Cokemas’ are all trademarks of the Okay Cola Corporation, a wholly owned subsidiary of SLA Industries, and are used with permission.
[2] Exceptions may occur. Please refer to the Terms & Conditions section of your Contract of Employment.
[3] Payroll period will be decided on a year by year basis by the Dept. of Salaries.
[4] All leave must be cleared with your Supervisor. Contact the Dept. of Recreation for details of approved vacation resorts.
There are a few things about Cokemas I couldn't include in the New Users Guide.
Firstly, Okay Cola *did* go bankrupt in 156 SD. They were bought up in their entireity by Prep-Z Softdrink Concern, who decided to leave the brand name in tact.
Secondly, Cokemas sometimes moves around the calendar. It's used by the Dept. of Finances (If that Dept. exists? Damn me for not bringing a MRB to work!) to give the economy a shot in the arm. Sometimes it comes earlier, sometimes later. In the decade after Salvation Tower fell there were, on average, four Cokemas's per year!
Thirdly... errr... there was a thirdly.... Come on short term memory, don't fail me now! .... Ummm .... Oh yes!
Thirdly, the 'performance awards' are largely fictional. (Except for upper management, obviously) And also, the Cokebonus accounts are not exempt from the sort of fiddles and corruption you'd expect from any large corporation 'looking after' it's employees benefits.
If there was a forthly, it can wait...
:)