'Ok, Ok- Here's one my Pa used to tell his dear beloved. Kids? Nah, Man! He told it at the bar. First time I heard it was the first time I got sloshed underage. The regulars said he told it every time he hit the 'New Parisian Drinking Liqueure' shit he preferred over brandy. Here's how it goes:
'A Dog and a Cat-Eating-Spider are stranded on one side of a street and the only way to get across is to swim. Why? Because the fucking street's flooded, that's why! Anyway, the Cat-Eating-Spider says to the Dog "Oi! Mister! Give us a lift across the water on yer back?" The dog takes one sharp look and says "Piss off! You're a dirty great Cat-Eating-Spider! You'll bite me an' I'll die!"
'Well, at this the Cat-Eating-Spider gets all offended. He says "'Ere! I'm not gonna bite *you* am I? I'm a *Cat*-Eating-Spider, ain't I? No-one said nothing 'bout eating dogs. And anyway, if I bit you, what would happen? The Dog thought for a moment, then reluctantly agreed that the Cat-Eating-Spider could climb aboard. 'The pair set off across the water, an' the Dog's panting and swimming away while the Cat-Eating-Spider takes it easy. They get halfway across when suddenly, the Cat-Eating-Spider bites the Dog in the back of the neck! The Dog howls of course, and says "What the fuck did you do that for, you stupid barstard? Now we'll both drown!" The Cat-Eating Spider just yells "Shut up and DIE!" ... and swims off.
'Ain't that great? That's great that is, that kills me every time! Yeah, my old man never taught me much, but he knew his shit. He really knew his shit.'
Overheard at Mulrooney's Alcohall, DT023.