The Doobries and the Magic Crystal

Setting

Industrial sector 1134, Mort City.

The necanthrope Gargam’ele SCL 3.A is investigating the reported infiltration of Doobrie production facility AXR-6887 by Darknight infiltration units and the deaths of all 116 staff that where manning the facility at the time. His initial findings reveal that the workers where all mauled to death, shot by 10mm weapons or succumbed to cunning booby traps in the process of evacuating the factory and that the Darknight raid was probably a mistake as they hit the facility next door 30 minutes later, AXR-6888. A facility doing research into new shock tendons and polluted the stock.

The heavily automated facility continued on for another 10 minutes after the attack before a dead-man switch finally shut down the production, long enough for one hundred final units to roll off the conveyer belt. Units SMRF 001 to SMRF 100, driven insane by the massive amounts of drugs and pollutants in their systems emerged from their hiding spots and assail Gargam’ele and his sentient gorecannon Azra’ele...

BPN

Colour Designation: Yellow (Retrieval)
Minimum SCL: 9
Training Package Recommended: I&I, Deathsquad
Consolidated Pay: 350

c

per Operative
Contact: Dept of Investigation
Coverage: Station Analysis

Retrieval of Mr Gargam’ele’s eternal gem lost in Industrial sector 1134 by Darknight forces, contact at Dept of Investigation Medical ward 34 ASAP for more information. Bonus applicable to the return of stolen SLA properties.

Mr Gargam’ele has enjoyed a long and prosperous career as a chief investigator for SLA industries, normally a relatively amicable person (for a necanthrope) lately he has become a bitter and angry individual. After the loss of his left leg, which is being re-grown, the abuse of his gorecannon at the hands of these ‘little blue fuckers’ he has also lost a prized possession. An eternal flux gem of considerable capacity and power, and to add final insult to injury, he now has the problem of people knowing he got his arse handed to him by a bunch of whacked out doobries.

Depending on how the PC’s treat Gargam’ele he will respond in one of two ways, if they display sympathy and respect for the poor old nec he will give them a glyphed cat box with the gorecannon Azra’ele in it to accompany them. They may even make a powerful friend if they just keep their mouths shut after. Should they laugh, at any stage within sight or earshot of him, then he won’t include the glyphed cat box and instead nearest ebb user in the party will have to carry the vile tempered black and white ‘pussycat’ with them. Which may or may not chew the balls off the ebons on the way down to the area (depending on how much ebuser characters shit you) where they're supposed to go and warns them only to let the cat go after they make contact with the enemy.

They cant miss the Flux crystal, its a 2 foot long, red glowing spike that even Stevie Wonder could find 200 metres away in a snowstorm...

Getting there

Getting to the Industrial sector can either be done by Gauss train, under their own personal transport or by taxi without too much bother, unless of course you really want them bothered but Industrial sectors are usually pretty safe. Taking Azra’ele on the Gauss train is not recommended as anyone who has had to take a pet cat to the vet in their car will soon tell you. The gorecannon unless secured in the cat box will cause random amounts of physical injury every 2d10 minutes to whoever is closest and whined to the GM about setting out on a Yellow BPN. The gorecannon won’t actually kill anyone unless they do something stupid like shoot at it, whereby it will gore the arse out of whomever did it with flesh friction. Nice PC’s might be able to pacify it with a nice warm bowl of blood and a scratch on the ears, use the stormer in the group for this to collect donations and besides, they grow back and who gives a fuck about stormers anyway.

"They went thattaway!" SHIVER Sgt Bob Toole points to the abandoned remnants of a SLA’s long disused light underground rail system, which is across from the facility. His green blocker armour reveals the occasional chunk removed from it by bites to the legs and half his squad is missing while the rest are recovering in a nearby APC. Asking for backup from Sgt Toole will get them told politely, to "get fucked!" Whereby he will retreat to the APC and train the Reaper cannon on the entrance to the subway tunnel.

Its not hard to follow the SMRF doobrie escapee’s into the tunnel system, on the mildew encrusted tiles and rusty tracks are the occasional bit of blue drool and explosive diarrhea plastered all over the place. A PC will undoubtedly want to find out what’s in it, a medic or frother will be able to identify the high concentrations of UV. Any idiot sticking their finger in it for a sample will be able to find out that theres also concentrated HNO3, Nitric acid, which will eat holes in their armour and skin eventually.

The reasons why no one goes on yellows

What follows is a trail into the deepest, darkest, nastiest tunnel that makes sewer duty look like a happy splash in the kiddie’s pool. Theres spiders the size of large rats, booby traps, rock falls and cave ins, punji-stake pitfalls made out of concrete reinforcing rods and covered in toxic Doobrie shit and if your feeling like a real bastard, throw in a Manchine or Cognate to brighten things up.

But at least even the most utterly retarded party could follow the SMRF doobries to the ‘secwet wair’ following the trail of drool and excreta to a large crop of dirty, stinking black mushrooms that have been hollowed out and are currently used as homes by the little buggers. Who are currently enjoying their latest guest, a SHIVER in his armour being roasted on a spit alive, which is where our hero’s will end up if they get their arses kicked.

Resistance will be fierce, automatic weapons recommended. Someone did bring the Reaper cannon didn't they? Azra’ele will go nuts and begin goring, scratching and biting like a mad thing until let loose on the enemy. Keeping the Gorecannon in one piece should be a priority for the PC’s, losing it is unthinkable, getting it back in the cat box after is going to be a major pain in the arse.

They could use grenades to sort the little bastards out but theres a good chance that they will bring the roof in on the abandoned subway station, how the PC’s learn this is up to the GM. The nice way, the common sense way or the painful way of having hundreds of tons of concrete land on them. Then maybe being dug up, rescued and eaten later.

The Enemy

Dumping a couple of satchels of UV, Shatter and organic acids into a bioengineering facility is bound to have fun results on whatever gets slopped out the other end. Each of the SMRF batch has their own little name, depending on the model of doobrie it was originally going to be. They all are wonderful unique little snowflakes that share a common trait, sky blue skin, dosed to hell permanently on UV, acidic blood and wear disposable white biogenetic doobrie nappys to try and stem the flow of explosive diarrhea from their strained little bodies. They also drool, constantly, smell like shit and can only say two words "smrrf! and smrrfy!" Which should annoy the hell out of anyone if you say it enough.

Slayer SMRF 001 who also happens to be in possession of the nice big chunk of expensive ebb equipment leads them. Taking him out early on could be good if they get through the picket lines of Scout SMRF’s and wraithraider SMRF’s. He will also bugger off and hide it the going gets too hot, which may require him to be hunted down by Azra’ele.

They dont have much in the way of weapons, a couple of Browbeaters, CAF pistols and a few FEN 603’s, though Dante SMRF has a FEN Gunhead and theres a few SLA blades, MAC knives and other sharp pointy objects.

The biggest threat isn't really the bullets, the biting and scratching. These little buggers have numbers, they attack in packs and are surprisingly tough. The fact that they have acid for blood is just another annoying feature, which will explode everywhere like a hand grenade (think face huggers out of Aliens) and do 2 ID or HP damage per phase for 4 phases. It also eats through respirator filters and sealed armour, breathing it in will have the effect of a riot gas grenade. They also like net traps and tripwires to entangle the enemy and other low down and dirty traps and tricks which will hamper larger foes.

SMRF’s

(Annoying little blue guys, Pokemons on crack)

Stats: Varies wildly
Str: 2-6
Dex: 3-8
Dia: 1-3
Conc: 1-3
Cool: N/A

These little bastards are under the influence of UV
-2 to hit them, they’re small and quick

Height and Weight varies from 30-60cm tall and up to 20kg
Teeth: Pen 3 Dam 3 AD 1

Skills: Varies on the model
Most will have rudimentary combat skills of 2-3, Sneaking, hiding and running 2-3

Walk: 1
Run: 3
Sprint: 5

Karma will probably pay good money to anyone dragging a SMRF back alive for research purposes. It is also unlikely that they will kill all the little bastards so revenge attacks by the SMRF’s after the BPN are always quite possible... (in fact I encourage it)

Azra’ele

The gorecannon looks like a very large common house cat with black and white fur, evil glowing green eyes and the disposition of a garbage disposal unit. It can be bribed with fresh blood and is possessed of quite decent hunting skills.

For stats I would put the cat at being in the mid to high range of sentient gorecannon’s which should discourage to PC’s from trying to hurt it (by killing or maiming them) and drag their arses out of the fire if the going gets too nasty.

Mr Gargam’ele has the Gorecannon skill at about rank 17, he is not someone to be trifled with. Whilst he doesn't have a lot of combat skills he is more than capable of fucking up the PC’s lives to such an extent they’d wish they’d never been born if they piss him off.

Rewards

This BPN is a bad joke

However, for a good 2 hours of laughs and for getting rid of some of the more annoying PC characters in your group its perfect. Having them harassed later on by revenge attacks by SMRF’s for a bit of random violence in their homes could also be useful when you want to add an element of paranoia to their lives.

For the return of the Flux gem you might want to give out an extra 500-1000c bonus to the group, which might even pay for their armour repairs, broken gear and ammo expenditure.

They may make a Major friend Rank 5 with Mr Gargam’ele who could help them out on later BPN’s.

They WILL make a minor enemy Rank 10: SMRF’s

Karma might pay up to 100-400c for a live SMRF.

MK’s Gushing acceptance rant.

I hate writing BPN’s

This one in particular is modeled on the 1984 animated movie "The Smurfs and the Magic Flute" because I really hate Smurfs, they fucking shit me to tears and the thought of mowing the little blue bitches down with a power reaper or gorecannon is strangely appealing...

This BPN is a really shit, no-brainer for no-brainer PC’s and a bit of comic relief. (But then again I dont expect to win so why put any effort into it!) If anyone uses it I will laugh my arse off at the thought of PC’s dying in such humiliating circumstances. The constant problem of them having their apartments trashed, pets eaten and blue diarrhea in the bottom of their shoes for the next year or ten I also find strangely comforting in the knowledge that I may have created a great deal of misery for your scumbag PC’s.